The LaVar Ball Sweepstakes

(Luis Sinco / Los Angeles Times)

By: Rossy Pasternak

The other night, top executives and representatives from the worst teams in the NBA gathered together to decide the fate of the top 14 draft picks. The prize of the days events? None other than LaVar Ball. Don’t let his age (48) fool you, the eldest Ball is one of the best prospects to be available in the last century. Some, like LaVar himself, insist that he is better than Jordan, and would beat him one-one-one.

The eldest Ball is a classic one-and-done player, coming out of the college basketball powerhouse, the Washington State Cougars. Ball played just 26 games for the team, averaging 2.2 points, 1 assist, and 2.3 rebounds per game. While those aren’t terrific numbers, they don’t tell the whole story.

Ball is exceptional at getting in his opponents head’s, as he has shown in the past during his appearance on Undisputed with Skip Bayless, and his heated argument with Stephan A. Smith. And Ball doesn’t only get in the heads of media personalities, but also the NBA’s top players. He’s already had a feud with LeBron James about parenting techniques, and Kyrie Irving called him out as well. Boston, you have to get by Cleveland – LeBron and Kyrie – to reach the finals, why not pick the guy who is already in their heads?

LaVar is also a media darling, generating more press than active players even though he’s only on the university level. Michael Rapoport compared him to a “bullying soccer mom” in a Twitter post, which generated almost 8,000 favourites, and almost 5,700 retweets. Whatever LaVar touches turns to media gold, and drafting Ball will mean an immediate increase in media attention for the franchise and the local sports talk shows.

The one problem with drafting LaVar is that he is considered a package deal with his son Lonzo. I don’t know how to put this nicely, but Lonzo is a liability. He averaged only 14.6 points, 7.6 assists, and 6 rebounds per game for UCLA in his one year of college play. Not only that, but he creates a lot of negative media attention, and limits the marketability of his father, LaVar. Lonzo insists on the inclusion of Big Baller Brand – a play on the family name “Ball”, and their chosen profession, “ballers” – in any shoe or apparel deal. Already, we have seen Nike, Adidas, and all of the other major sporting brands laugh in Lonzo’s face.

LaVar Ball is a straight baller. He can shoot, pass, rebound, and talk trash with the best of them (‘sup Jalen Rose), but is he worth the trouble Lonzo causes? We’ll just have to find out, June 22nd, at the NBA Draft.

Disclaimer: This is a parody article. LaVar Ball is not an actual NBA prospect, but his son Lonzo is – and he’s pretty good. 

Look out for our upcoming NBA Mock Draft, and remember to like/follow us on Facebook and Twitter.


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